What was missing?


For most of my life, I felt like something was missing. For most of my life, I felt angry and most of my days were unhappy. For most of my life, my internal dialog was that I wasn’t good enough. I held on to feelings that I needed to let go of.

Where did this all come from? Why was I left feeling like this?

My most significant life transformation came when I learned to love myself when I started to live my life for myself and when I learned to put myself first.

I spent most of my teens, twenties, and well into my thirties putting my happiness and how I felt onto others. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted by someone else. Spoiler alert it’s not possible if you haven’t learned to love yourself. Love starts within you!

I dated nothing but toxic people who I put in charge of my happiness and feeling loved. I ran away when I thought I wasn’t happy or didn’t feel loved. I was a run-away bride many times over because I knew my happiness wasn’t at the end of the aisle. No matter who tried to love me I just couldn’t get there. Something was missing. You can’t love someone else or be in a healthy relationship if you don’t have self-love.

In my twenties and thirties, my biggest fear was being alone. I had a need to be surrounded with people. When you’re angry and hate life what kind of people do you attract? Like-minded people are the only people who can stand to be around your negative butt. Everyone I had in my life was negative or I chose only to see the negative.

I know why I almost ended my life, how I got to this very moment in my life. I was miserable, I took too much on, and I forgot to take care of myself. I had tried to run from my problems, but your problems always follow. I didn’t deal with my problems and so they just got bigger and bigger until they almost consumed me.

The most important person in your life is you! It’s just that simple. I realized if I don’t take care of myself I am not a great mother, partner, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin, coworker, or friend.

How did I realize this? Well, I wish I had a magic purple pill that made the process go quicker but at last, it took me years. It took me years of being alone with myself to discover who I am, what I like, and what I want to accomplish. I had become so lost I forgot the basics. I tried so hard to save other people from their problems that I didn’t deal with my own problems.

Transformation isn’t easy. Change isn’t easy. It is necessary.

Each and every day I want to show up being my best self. I changed the way I think about myself. I changed how I felt about myself. I learned what I love to do. I learned what my passions are in life. What I want to accomplish. I spent time with myself.

I learned that the two things that were the scariest things in life are my two greatest joys.

I love time to myself. I want to be alone with myself. I never take for granted the alone time I get. I ask for time alone when I need it. Being alone is my recharge time. Being alone grounds and centers my thoughts. I know now that always surrounding myself with other people burns me out. Drains my energy and I can’t focus. I need quiet time. I need time to recharge. I need time to put my heart and soul into things that I love to do.

Being a mom was always a huge fear when I knew I couldn’t take care of myself how could I take care of another? I learned how to change the ways I viewed myself. I learned a kinder love language towards myself. I am always working to improve and learn. I embraced being a mom and I let go of the expectations I had of myself. Let’s be honest kids don’t come with a how-to manual or a rule book you just do the best you can and have as much fun as you can along the way. My son taught me a love that I didn’t know existed.

What was missing? Love! Love that starts within. The way you talk to yourself and the way you love yourself shows up in your everyday life. It’s the difference between being happy or being miserable. The love you feel towards yourself is no one else’s responsibility. Do not put someone else in charge of how you feel. If you start with self-love you can include more people you love in your life. Loving others seems less scary now that I know no matter what happens on this journey of life I will be okay. I love and appreciate myself just as I am. I love the people who surround me and are my tribe.



Change, it’s not as scary as you think.

Change the way you think.

Change is a word that I have never really been fond of—just hearing the word change used to make me nervous and uncomfortable. If anything was mentioned about changing my mind immediately went to negativity. I felt that if I had to change it was because something I did wasn’t good enough. I jumped to all the uncomfortableness that change would bring out in me. I viewed change as a negative. I worried about the change until it made me sick. I was stuck in negativity, and I didn’t want to change. I wasted a lot of time because I wouldn’t change.

I changed the way I view the word change.

A great quote is “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change- Wayne Dyer”

Now when something or someone needs to use the word change or asks me to change something, I embrace it with positivity and hope to learn from the experience. Every time you make a change it is a teaching moment. I think by changing this what can I learn?

In the last couple of months, everything in my life changed and it’s taken some adjusting for sure. I removed the scary thoughts about change, and I do my best to roll with change. I try to take the good that change brings.

I made living accommodation changes which are always difficult because I like my things a certain way, and having someone else’s things around sometimes leaves me feeling anxious. I need to organize, clean, and have a flow.

I had to change the way I drove because my car was in an accident (no injuries) just a series of rental cars I was not familiar with. After 5 weeks I think I forget how to drive standard. I might have to change and buy an automatic (kidding I would never!)

I changed my job something I never thought I would do but the hospital in a global pandemic weighed heavy on my heart. I have always wanted a job I could be passionate about, a job that helps people and I wanted to do it from my home. That’s not asking too much, is it? I changed my job.

I am happy to report I did find a job that I love. I have taken on something I’m passionate about and it allows me to help people from the comfort of my home office. I changed my hours from those of am all over shift worker, forgetting what day it was to a steady 9 to 5. I changed my part-time hours and weekdays off that I loved for full-time Monday to Friday with weekends off. I try to focus on all the good things that have come my way with this job.  I admit on my first feedback meeting I was a little bit nervous about how much change they would want but they embrace who I am and what I bring, and I am blessed to be in my home office.

I will miss my former co-worker friends and I am still adjusting to how I am going to juggle all my time, but I am happy with my changes and excited to see where all these changes take me next.

What will I change next?

Embrace change-remove the part that’s scary- take whatever change comes your way, roll with it, put a positive spin upon it and think what can I learn from this change?




Pocket full of love

This pillow reminds me of the most remarkable man I have ever met. he also happened to be my Opa. This pillow was made out of one of his favourite “fancy” shirts.

Opa had a love for the colour brown and a wonderful plaid design. He always had handkerchiefs in his pockets as well as a pencil and many other items. You never knew what he had in those pockets. His pockets always appeared endless as he pulled things out. He packed a pocket like I pack my purse.

These types of plaid shirts were what Opa would call his “fancy” shirts. Compared to his collection of warn-out farm t-shirts.

I found this pillow design while scrolling through Pinterest. I thought the idea was a good way for all of us grandkids to keep him close. Thank you granny for sharing his “fancy” shirts. Thank you to my mom who did an amazing job sewing so many together on short notice. Mom took the time to sew on a heart and stuff the pocket with one of his handkerchiefs and a personalized note. Each note she took the time to personalize and type out on her vintage typewritten. My note brought me to tears as I read “This pocket was once over my heart now hold it near yours for we’ll never be apart.” It still brings me to tears.

This pillow has been on my couch since Opa passed. I watch his favourite shows and keep him close.

I recently returned from a trip to see what I thought was a card tucked in the pocket but it wasn’t a card but rather a collection of carousel stamps including the Roseneath carousel.

This stamp collection brought me to tears, not the stamps but the image that instantly flooded my mind. When I saw the stamp of the Roseneath carousel it brought me right back to a beautiful fall day at the fair riding the Roseneath carousel. I spun around going up and down giggling at how much joy this simple ride brought me. As I glanced out into the crowds I located my Opa with a huge smile on his face beaming from side to side as he hummed along to the carousel song.

He loved carousels so much that he had a huge collection in his house, some played music, and some were just gorgeous to look at. His collection was from all over the world.  He loved carousels so much that he even built his great-grandchildren a real working carousel in his backyard that went around, up and down, and played music so he could enjoy their wonderous smiles as they happily road around with their stuffed friends.

I know you are always near and I miss you crazy amounts. Thanks for all the memories. Your words live on through me.