For most of my life, I felt like something was missing. For most of my life, I felt angry and most of my days were unhappy. For most of my life, my internal dialog was that I wasn’t good enough. I held on to feelings that I needed to let go of.
Where did this all come from? Why was I left feeling like this?
My most significant life transformation came when I learned to love myself when I started to live my life for myself and when I learned to put myself first.
I spent most of my teens, twenties, and well into my thirties putting my happiness and how I felt onto others. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted by someone else. Spoiler alert it’s not possible if you haven’t learned to love yourself. Love starts within you!
I dated nothing but toxic people who I put in charge of my happiness and feeling loved. I ran away when I thought I wasn’t happy or didn’t feel loved. I was a run-away bride many times over because I knew my happiness wasn’t at the end of the aisle. No matter who tried to love me I just couldn’t get there. Something was missing. You can’t love someone else or be in a healthy relationship if you don’t have self-love.
In my twenties and thirties, my biggest fear was being alone. I had a need to be surrounded with people. When you’re angry and hate life what kind of people do you attract? Like-minded people are the only people who can stand to be around your negative butt. Everyone I had in my life was negative or I chose only to see the negative.
I know why I almost ended my life, how I got to this very moment in my life. I was miserable, I took too much on, and I forgot to take care of myself. I had tried to run from my problems, but your problems always follow. I didn’t deal with my problems and so they just got bigger and bigger until they almost consumed me.
The most important person in your life is you! It’s just that simple. I realized if I don’t take care of myself I am not a great mother, partner, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin, coworker, or friend.
How did I realize this? Well, I wish I had a magic purple pill that made the process go quicker but at last, it took me years. It took me years of being alone with myself to discover who I am, what I like, and what I want to accomplish. I had become so lost I forgot the basics. I tried so hard to save other people from their problems that I didn’t deal with my own problems.
Transformation isn’t easy. Change isn’t easy. It is necessary.
Each and every day I want to show up being my best self. I changed the way I think about myself. I changed how I felt about myself. I learned what I love to do. I learned what my passions are in life. What I want to accomplish. I spent time with myself.
I learned that the two things that were the scariest things in life are my two greatest joys.
I love time to myself. I want to be alone with myself. I never take for granted the alone time I get. I ask for time alone when I need it. Being alone is my recharge time. Being alone grounds and centers my thoughts. I know now that always surrounding myself with other people burns me out. Drains my energy and I can’t focus. I need quiet time. I need time to recharge. I need time to put my heart and soul into things that I love to do.
Being a mom was always a huge fear when I knew I couldn’t take care of myself how could I take care of another? I learned how to change the ways I viewed myself. I learned a kinder love language towards myself. I am always working to improve and learn. I embraced being a mom and I let go of the expectations I had of myself. Let’s be honest kids don’t come with a how-to manual or a rule book you just do the best you can and have as much fun as you can along the way. My son taught me a love that I didn’t know existed.
What was missing? Love! Love that starts within. The way you talk to yourself and the way you love yourself shows up in your everyday life. It’s the difference between being happy or being miserable. The love you feel towards yourself is no one else’s responsibility. Do not put someone else in charge of how you feel. If you start with self-love you can include more people you love in your life. Loving others seems less scary now that I know no matter what happens on this journey of life I will be okay. I love and appreciate myself just as I am. I love the people who surround me and are my tribe.