You betcha

You betcha is a saying I never heard until my teenage years. You betcha is something my brother Dan says constantly. It starts a sentance and it ends it too.  If anyone says you betcha I can immediately hear his voice and how he says it. The tone  and the way he says you betcha is forever burned into my memory.

When I was 17 years old my whole life was turned upside down but in the best way possible. I was 17 years old when I found out I had a brother from another mother. I named my only son after him because he was everything I needed to complete my life. I am so thankful that he wanted to meet me. I had no idea how much this meeting would forever change my life. He made me an Auntie many times over. My nephews and my niece complete my heart. I am so lucky!

Meeting my brother was one of the greatest moments that has ever happened in my life. We are so much alike. Being so alike and maintaining a relationship from a distance so many provinces between us I will admit it has been a struggle at times. Lately I keep hearing people say you betcha and I know it’s a sign I need to get my ass together and head to the  west, my heart longs to be lost in the mountains. As my family gets smaller and people leave my heart I want to keep those still here closer. Family means the world to me and I’m forever working to keep everyone close. I know as I sit in my sunny lake window writing this that I am where I need to be. I am blessed and I love my life.

Recently I sat in this same sunny window staring at message wondering what to do with it. I wonder would my brother say you betcha you did the right thing or tell me I am a dumbass. I did what I thought was the right thing. Life doesn’t come with instructions and lately I am winging it. I have always followed my heart. It hasn’t always lead me in the right direction I should probably follow my gut.

I changed my sons name and I built a foundation for our lives. I have lived my whole life to do everything for my boy. I know I haven’t always made the best decisions and I know I have broken your heart sweet boy. I am just trying to do what I feel is best for both of us. I sent a message that could completely change our lives or they could stay just how they are. I am not sure where this journey will take us but I hope it is for the best. I am going forward with an open mind and open heart ready for the next journey of life. I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it!





So long

Hello March!

It has been hard for me to sit down and write as of lately. I let stress and overthinking get the best of me. My writing pathway has been blocked.

March has always been my favorite month as we transition from winter into spring. I enjoy going outside when the air no longer hurts my face. March is filled with mud and low-riding dog struggles. Get a corgi they will forever be covered in mud until the dry summer months. Poor Kelso with her endless baths she hates!

March is my birthday month with 2 of my best friends. I am so thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people. I owe so many thanks to so many people this month who have helped me through challenging times.

I am days away from saying goodbye to 40 and hello to 41. I had early celebrations with a friend who made me the most amazing cake. I think baileys cheesecake might be my new favorite cake with a glass of mint baileys yes, please!

The way 40 ended was not what I had planned. I have been stressed out and overthinking my decisions. I gave my heart to someone who handed it back when I was not prepared. I know I am going to be fine. I am strong. I have the tools to take my life back. I  had envisioned so much more time and a forever partnership. I part with nothing but light and love for you going forward. As my fingers dance across the keys trying to be brave tears fall down my face thinking oh how much this has taught me, how much I have grown, and how much I know what I want moving forward. I am not one to jump all in and this is a different type of hurt. It has made me reflect on previous relationships and my runaway bride days and how much hurt I have caused to those who were not prepared when I threw their hearts back. I wish relationships had exit interviews where you could get all your answers answered. Healing is a journey but it gets so much better! Lots to learn from loss. Take the positive moments forward and learn from the challenging times.

41 is just a number and I know that around the next coner is going to be something great for me. I am positive and open to the next great opportunity. I look forward to adventures and where this journey takes me next.

Happy March!