Month: November 2019

Take me to my happy place…….

I love the saying, “when you are upset just go to your happy place”. The first therapist I ever saw always said to picture your happy place. When I was mad and stuck in negativity it was hard to picture anywhere nice or, to see anything good. When I closed my eyes I didn’t wanna see, I wanted to forget. Once I finally got to a place where I could visualize. I would close my eyes and I could see me sitting on a beach. The sun would be shining down on me, making my skin glow and keeping me warm. I could feel the breeze off the water making my hair messy. I could see my feet buried in the sand. I could hear the waves crashing on shore. I could look out and see a huge body of water with an island off in the distance. I feel completely satisfied alone in a place of paradise. I always remember going to my happy place alone. The thought of being alone until now has always terrified me.

When I moved to Vancouver Island I was obsessed with being near the ocean. I truly thought the ocean would heal my broken heart. I needed to be close to the ocean or to see it every day. My biggest regret about my time on the Island is that I never made it to Tofino. Truth is I was so stressed out. I was still so negative. I was focused on what was not working out for me instead of making things work for me. I could only see what I didn’t have, not what I did. I felt like I failed. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and was only seeing the negativity. I ultimately set myself up for failure. I had not yet discovered the way to change my thinking and change my life. I was stuck playing the victim in my own sad story. I didn’t know I could rewrite my ending and that this didn’t have to last forever. I thought starting over just meant running away to a place where people knew less about me. I thought if I just forgot about my problems they would go away. I didn’t know how to deal with my problems in a healthy way. I packed my problems up so tightly and carried them around for way to long. I got caught in a cycle of all things negative. I created a world that wouldn’t work for me. I was my own worst enemy. I was terrified to go back to the Island and visit my Island family because I thought I was such a failure. I came back to Ontario and I messed up my life a whole lot more.

I decided in 2018 I am going back to Vancouver Island. I wanted to show my son the beauty of British Columbia and introduce him to some of his most wonderful family members. My son’s world sometimes seems small because all he has is my side of the family. Our family here sometimes seems small, but my family in British Columbia, oh goodness, there are so many of them. I don’t even know in all in my trips and all my travels if I have met everyone yet.

On July 12, 2018 while visiting my Island family my cousin Noah suggested a trip to Tofino and I almost cried I was that excited and happy to finally be able to go. I got to experience Tofino on the most beautiful July day. The sky was endless sunshine. The ocean was wavy and surfers were out enjoying the perfect day. I always pictured myself enjoying a day in Tofino alone just me and the ocean. I am glad I never made it alone and filled with negativity. I never would have appreciated it like I did with my cousin and my son by my side. We shared so many smiles, laughs and stories that day I will never forget how much fun the three of us had. I laugh now thinking how it all worked out for the best. Life just has a way of always working out for the best when you’re living a life of positivity!

While sitting on long beach looking out at a little island I said, “this is what I see when I go to my happy place”. Funny story right where I was sitting behind me the house on the ocean was for sale. I took a picture and have been dreaming of this house ever since. I have my original picture and the online Realtor listing on my vision wall. I just need a big lottery win!
Tofino is my destination dream place. Tofino is a place that I have seen for years in my visions of what my happy place looks like. It is a place I dream to visit again someday. A place I hope to share with my cousin Noah and my son. When I go to my happy place I can see the three of us sitting on the beaching laughing and everything in life is good.

My everyday happy place is in the corner of my living room in my chaise chair looking out the window towards Lake Ontario. This is the perfect place to enjoy a cup of tea, to watch a show, to read a book, to dream up my next idea. When I moved to my house three years ago now, I had a long list of wants and wishes but most importantly I needed to be able to see the water. Something about the water just fills my heart with happiness. I am a water sign. I go down to the water pretty much every day and I just breathe in the beauty of it all. The lake is ever changing and beautiful in all the seasons.

I am beyond grateful to have experienced Tofino on such a beautiful day with two of my favourite people. Thank you to Noah and thank you to my son. I cannot wait until we can do it again. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later kinda moment. I am thankful to have such a beautiful place and to live to have my own little happy place in my house. I spend a few minutes each day in my happy place dreaming. I am thankful to myself for all the hard work I have done to make it to this moment in life. When you find your positive light life becomes easier. Make your life your happy place.

Holding on to negativity will do you no good……

Recently I wondered “how many thoughts a day do we have that are negative”?

I googled “how many thoughts a day are negative?” The first thing that popped up was; “According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negative way more than we think positive thoughts.”

I have to say I was blown away by these results. I assumed around half of our thoughts were negative but 80%. Holy heck, that’s a huge number. Repetitive thoughts that we think over and over again until we drive ourselves mad. I know I have been there done that.

If we are not born with these negative thoughts, where do they come from? I believe my negative thoughts came from listening to everyone else but myself. I believed in what others said about me, when I should have believed in myself. Way easier said than done, I know! For years on repeat I had some of the most self-destructive thoughts. I was harder on myself than anyone else could have ever been. I never believed I was beautiful, despite being a model in my most awkward years. I never believed I was smart, despite having top marks in school and receiving honours awards. I never believed I had any self-worth. I believed I was better off dead. I believed I would never amount to anything good so why bother putting in any effort. I believed I would fail at everything I tried. I believed I would work dead end jobs forever. I believed that I would be in debt forever. I believed that I was un-loveable. I believed every negative word. I packed away every negative thought and feeling so tightly and let them haunt me for so long. I never unpacked my baggage for good. I just kept adding to the weight of it all until I almost let it end my life. I cannot think of a positive thought I had.

I grew up in a family separated by divorce. My grandparents divorced. My parents divorced. My aunt and uncle divorced. No one immediately around me stayed married. Maybe this is why I am a run-away bride? Just kidding, I don’t blame anyone in my family for my failures. Truth be told, I have been engaged five times and planned two full weddings which I never showed up to either. I am a run-away bride, not once, but multiple times. If you see me lacing up my sneakers watch out! Most people would probably think I have given up on love, not true. I do believe in love. I do believe there is a relationship out there for me. A perfect person does exist, but I am in no rush. I decided that the most important relationship is with me. I do spend all day everyday with me! I worked on a relationship with me. The most important relationship there is! Once you have a great relationship with yourself, I believe, everything else is easier. I never loved myself before so I was unable to love someone else. Working on loving yourself is some of the hardest work you will ever do but it’s also the most rewarding work you will ever accomplish. I love myself!

When I was stuck in my destructive thoughts I would hate spending time alone. If I was alone, I dread the thought of thinking about “stuff”. I viewed my failures in a negative light and reasoned I should give up completely when I should have been thinking, “I failed now what?” My failures are to be seen not as failing, but instead as opportunities to try something over or in a different way. My failures were actually giving me another chance to try a new way of doing something. I couldn’t see how lucky I was to fail and pursue something I loved even more. I am grateful for all my failures because they have guided me right here to where I am doing something I absolutely love.

When I was in the depths of my negativity I was terrified to go anywhere by myself. I would always text a friend to go shopping, go for coffee or meet for dinner. I got caught up in other people’s drama because when you’re in a negative space you tend to attract people in the same kind of space. I was filled with anxiety about spending time alone. If I was alone, I would spend my days sleeping and my nights worrying. I worried about everything. I constantly got stuck in the cycle of over thinking. Repetitive thoughts haunted me and drove me mad. I worried about what people thought about me. What people said about me? I forgot to check in and see what I thought and felt about me. I spent so much time filling every minute of every day with other people and things to do that I never left time for me. I was always running and rushing around and not slowing down to enjoy life. I missed out on so much because my negativity created a dark space I couldn’t see out from. It was like I was living in a little black box filled with everyone’s judgments of me. Yes, I admit I am not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Yes, I have hurt people. Yes, I have let people down. Yes, I have failed. Yes, I am human. I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I accept who I was; I can’t go back and change me. I own up to what I have done. I take responsibility for my choices and actions. I work each and every day to make sure my life is filled with happiness and love going forward. I tell my friends and family I love them (Yes even the ones that make me sometimes wanna pull my hair out). I take each day for the gift it is and I have as much fun as I possibly can.

I am thankful my destructive, repetitive thoughts and failures didn’t get the best of me. I am thankful I lived long enough to get to place in my life that I absolutely love. I am thankful I learned how to love myself. I am thankful to be able to share my story and have it be shared in the hopes of helping and healing others. You are never alone. I believe in each and every one of you! I know that if I can change my life and love my life so can you! I am always here. Feel free to reach out, get in touch today.

Songs that played throughout my life…..

Do you ever catch yourself listening to a song and it instantly takes you to a place you heard that song before or it reminds you of a certain time shared with someone? Just hearing that song can transport you back to a certain place or recapture a feeling? That feeling can be so real just from hearing a song? I often catch myself singing a song and remembering some place or someone. I love the power of music. I absolutely love to sing. When I say I love to sing, I mean to myself, in my car, like I am the lead singer of the band. No greater feeling than hearing a song you know every word too. Something about singing has just always had an instant way of cheering me up! I enjoy rocking out.

When I was in my teens and in my 20s I used to go to a lot of concerts. I have seen some of the most amazing bands live. I love the energy at a good concert! I love sharing my love for music with people who share the same love. My best friend during my teens and 20s times was a gal named Dahri and, we saw some of the greatest bands together rocking out. We did a lot of singing and shared a lot of laughs. Thanks for all those great times.

Growing up I always wanted to be a musician. The dream of being a rock star seemed so real. I took guitar in school. Wow, what an epic failure. I am pretty sure I am tone deaf. I tried to play the drums. Yep, you guessed it I was a hot mess. I have zero rhythm and coordination. I have an uncle who is good at everything music. He can play any instrument. He can listen to a song and play back on different instruments, it’s amazing to watch.

My love of music started as a child in my dad’s record collection. He has some pretty amazing records. Every now and again he will fire up the old record player. When I was a kid I remember it sounded so amazing. It was a certain art to get it to play the right song. I used to love to listen to Powder Blues Band-Thirsty Ears. Then when dad made the big upgrade to tapes, oh wow, did he ever have a lot of tapes. Since the Cadillac car only takes tapes we still have a few most importantly Steppenwolf so I can play magic carpet ride. Anytime dad was working in the garage he always had his boom box and tapes playing. I always think of the times in the garage when I hear Copperhead Road. Then there is Jimmy Buffet *insert eye roll here*, oh dad and his love of all things Jimmy Buffet. I don’t understand it but once it came in handy and I won some money in a bar because I could sadly name more than 5 other songs of Jimmy Buffet, other than Margaritaville. I am pretty sure my hearing is permanently damaged because of how loud Jimmy Buffet was played throughout my life.

My mom listened to more girly music. My love of Alanis Morissette started in my mom’s CD collection. I still enjoy cranking her songs and sing my heart out. I had the chance to see her in concert. It’s still one of my favourite concerts. She still introduces me to great music. You never know what mom will like next. My mom took me and my brother to our very first concert to see Barenaked Ladies. I still remember how everyone threw Kraft dinner on stage during the song if I had a million dollars. I loved the energy during that show and I was hooked on concerts. The last concert, well reading with music we saw together was Bif Naked. What an absolutely phenomenal woman. If you have not read her book, heard her songs or seen her live I absolutely recommend you do! I have seen both her rock show and her book reading. I would highly recommend both!

My brother growing up as a teen was into heavy metal music, he introduced me to NIN. When I saw NIN live the show blew me away. I think Trent Reznor has an amazing voice and he’s easy on the eyes. My brother still supplies me music for my car. He introduced me to so many amazing bands over the years and let me tag along to so many concerts as a teenager. Thanks for putting up with me brother and my brothers friends. I am sure I will forever be that annoying little sister! You’re welcome.

My step mom growing up was a huge Tragically Hip fan. I think New Orleans is sinking and I don’t wanna swim is permanently stuck in my head. It seemed anytime she had music on it was The Hip. I was recently in Bobcaygeon and I could remember the words to the song from all those years ago. They are a timeless band that forever will be remembered. I was also lucky enough to see the Hip with her, super cool experience.

Bryan Adams forever makes me think of my granny and her endless love for him. She saw him in concert 2001 and she is still in awe. She has her tickets framed and she will always tell you how great he is. I have never seen him in concert but if it’s even half as good as she describes it, I am interested.

Carousel music or German Oompah music always makes me think of Opa. Any time I hear Carousel music it makes me think of all the fun times we have shared at fairs and his unbelievable collection of Carousel horses that play the music too. German Oompah music always makes me think of Opa dancing around in a circle with his arms up. I don’t know if that’s actually how they dance, but he sure made me believe it was.

My Oma always listened to opera music and even took me to an opera. I can’t say as I understood it quite like she did. It was interesting to watch her sing along to her favourite opera songs. Since Oma knew so many languages she could sing opera in different languages it was truly magical to watch. She would explain to me what the opera was about with such passion almost like she was in the show.

I listen to a lot of different types of music. I think the only music I never really got into, understood or liked is country; of course my son now loves country and has me listening to it. Still not a fan but maybe it will get better? If you listen to country music shoot me a message and let me know songs to check out.

Thank you music for always having the song I needed to get me through my life. No matter the situation or feeling I am going through I always seem to find a song that fits and that I can rock out too. Thanks to all my friends and family who have been to concerts with me. Thanks for all the great songs shared over the years. Thanks to my uncle Ken for always being my rock and roll uncle, and for trying to teach me to play some music even though I failed LOL Maybe you will have better luck with my son? *fingers crossed* I think I would make a good rock and roll mom just saying!

Keep on rocking!

Beauty is everywhere, slow down and take the time to appreciate it…

The soft warm breeze on a sunny fall day is my absolute favourite day. Feeling the sun upon my face, the breeze flowing and leaves dancing about. That’s the perfect day. I love fall. I love watching the trees change colour and the leaves fall to the ground. I love driving around and seeing all the colours from near and far. Fall has the most beautiful, rich shades of green, yellow, orange and red.

I took a fall Caddy cruise through Algonquin Park this fall and it was breathtaking. My poor dad had to listen to me say “OoOo look at those colours or OoOo that red is so pretty” Every red tree is an “OoOo” moment. I love to see all the fall colours but something about the dark reds that just makes me happy. I can’t quite put my finger on why I love the red trees. I am not normally a fan of red. I don’t have any red decor in my house. I have never owned a red car. I don’t work red into my wardrobe. Something about seeing red trees in the fall makes me smile. I think all the colours are beautiful but red, wow, red.

I took Charles, my dog for a walk down to the park the other day and it was a windy day. The lake was wild and wavy. We got stuck in a windy spot leaves blowing all around us. Leaves were stuck in our fur and hair. As the wind slowed down I caught sight of the most beautiful bright red leaf ever so slowly circling around in the wind like it was dancing with no one watching. As I stood thinking how beautiful this is, it reminded me of the scene in the movie American beauty with the plastic bag dancing in the wind. I remember when I watched that movie I thought what a stupid thing to watch this bag dancing in the wind. I was sucked into a negative mind set and couldn’t see the beauty in anything let along simple life moments. I am going to have to re-watch that movie now.

I think it’s interesting that trees for the most part start off with branches filled with green leaves. That those leaves survive our hot summers and transform into the most beautiful colours in the fall. Then they fall from the trees on the ground only to come back better and more beautiful each year. I have a few trees in my yard. I have been in my house now for 3 years and I have watched the trees around me produce some amazing colours and it seems each year I have more and more leaves to rake. The tree off my deck is a beautiful orange and yellow colour which I was sure to point out to my dad on his last visit “OoOOoO” look how pretty this tree is dad. The view from my deck is beautiful you can see the lake and my pretty orange yellow tree.

I think it’s fascinating that every leaf is different and unique. Makes me think of us and how we are all different and unique. That we are forever changing. Sometimes falling down and coming back better than ever. Sometimes if you’re like me you fall down a lot. I fall not just because I am accident prone or tall or generally clumsy. I fall because my negativity and repeated thoughts took me down to the ground, to a place where I didn’t want to get back up. When you’re down it seems easier to just stay right there. Things seem to hurt less if you just stay exactly where you are. You can get sucked into a place where you feel life isn’t worth living. You can get stuck where you can’t see the beauty in every day simple pleasures like the leaves. I know I have been there. I laugh just thinking about negative me walking my dog on a windy day. I would not have payed attention to the colour of the leaves I would have just been mad that they got stuck to me or that my hair was in my face. I would have been cold and would have wanted to go home. Heck I probably wouldn’t even have been outside. I would have been wasting the day away letting thoughts haunt me or sleeping my two favourite past times. I think of how much time I wasted being mad and I refuse to live like that for even one more second.

Positive me wants to shout to you “get outside! Enjoy the beautiful sights”. Slow down and truly enjoy the sights. You will be amazed at what you can see when you slow down and enjoy. I know life can be busy as I write this blog I have so many things I should be doing! I am new to this blogging thing but I have to say I am enjoying it. Take a few minutes and do something you enjoy every day. Life is too short to spend being anything besides freaking awesome. I am thankful to have survived my negativity and grateful to spend each and every day doing something I love.

Thank you to the dancing red leaf for reminding me to slow down and enjoy the everyday beauty of the great outdoors. Thanks dad for always caddy cruising and listening to me “OoOo” over the beautiful fall colours. Thanks Charles for getting me outside to walk and enjoy the beauty of all the seasons. I love where I live!