Holding on to negativity will do you no good

Holding on to negativity will do you no good……

Recently I wondered “how many thoughts a day do we have that are negative”?

I googled “how many thoughts a day are negative?” The first thing that popped up was; “According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negative way more than we think positive thoughts.”

I have to say I was blown away by these results. I assumed around half of our thoughts were negative but 80%. Holy heck, that’s a huge number. Repetitive thoughts that we think over and over again until we drive ourselves mad. I know I have been there done that.

If we are not born with these negative thoughts, where do they come from? I believe my negative thoughts came from listening to everyone else but myself. I believed in what others said about me, when I should have believed in myself. Way easier said than done, I know! For years on repeat I had some of the most self-destructive thoughts. I was harder on myself than anyone else could have ever been. I never believed I was beautiful, despite being a model in my most awkward years. I never believed I was smart, despite having top marks in school and receiving honours awards. I never believed I had any self-worth. I believed I was better off dead. I believed I would never amount to anything good so why bother putting in any effort. I believed I would fail at everything I tried. I believed I would work dead end jobs forever. I believed that I would be in debt forever. I believed that I was un-loveable. I believed every negative word. I packed away every negative thought and feeling so tightly and let them haunt me for so long. I never unpacked my baggage for good. I just kept adding to the weight of it all until I almost let it end my life. I cannot think of a positive thought I had.

I grew up in a family separated by divorce. My grandparents divorced. My parents divorced. My aunt and uncle divorced. No one immediately around me stayed married. Maybe this is why I am a run-away bride? Just kidding, I don’t blame anyone in my family for my failures. Truth be told, I have been engaged five times and planned two full weddings which I never showed up to either. I am a run-away bride, not once, but multiple times. If you see me lacing up my sneakers watch out! Most people would probably think I have given up on love, not true. I do believe in love. I do believe there is a relationship out there for me. A perfect person does exist, but I am in no rush. I decided that the most important relationship is with me. I do spend all day everyday with me! I worked on a relationship with me. The most important relationship there is! Once you have a great relationship with yourself, I believe, everything else is easier. I never loved myself before so I was unable to love someone else. Working on loving yourself is some of the hardest work you will ever do but it’s also the most rewarding work you will ever accomplish. I love myself!

When I was stuck in my destructive thoughts I would hate spending time alone. If I was alone, I dread the thought of thinking about “stuff”. I viewed my failures in a negative light and reasoned I should give up completely when I should have been thinking, “I failed now what?” My failures are to be seen not as failing, but instead as opportunities to try something over or in a different way. My failures were actually giving me another chance to try a new way of doing something. I couldn’t see how lucky I was to fail and pursue something I loved even more. I am grateful for all my failures because they have guided me right here to where I am doing something I absolutely love.

When I was in the depths of my negativity I was terrified to go anywhere by myself. I would always text a friend to go shopping, go for coffee or meet for dinner. I got caught up in other people’s drama because when you’re in a negative space you tend to attract people in the same kind of space. I was filled with anxiety about spending time alone. If I was alone, I would spend my days sleeping and my nights worrying. I worried about everything. I constantly got stuck in the cycle of over thinking. Repetitive thoughts haunted me and drove me mad. I worried about what people thought about me. What people said about me? I forgot to check in and see what I thought and felt about me. I spent so much time filling every minute of every day with other people and things to do that I never left time for me. I was always running and rushing around and not slowing down to enjoy life. I missed out on so much because my negativity created a dark space I couldn’t see out from. It was like I was living in a little black box filled with everyone’s judgments of me. Yes, I admit I am not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Yes, I have hurt people. Yes, I have let people down. Yes, I have failed. Yes, I am human. I am doing my best and if my best isn’t good enough fuck it. I accept who I was; I can’t go back and change me. I own up to what I have done. I take responsibility for my choices and actions. I work each and every day to make sure my life is filled with happiness and love going forward. I tell my friends and family I love them (Yes even the ones that make me sometimes wanna pull my hair out). I take each day for the gift it is and I have as much fun as I possibly can.

I am thankful my destructive, repetitive thoughts and failures didn’t get the best of me. I am thankful I lived long enough to get to place in my life that I absolutely love. I am thankful I learned how to love myself. I am thankful to be able to share my story and have it be shared in the hopes of helping and healing others. You are never alone. I believe in each and every one of you! I know that if I can change my life and love my life so can you! I am always here. Feel free to reach out, get in touch today.

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